Strong writing is rarely correct on the first try. Real revision means rethinking ideas, reorganizing information, and making deliberate language choices. The paragraphs below are intentionally flawed in multiple ways. Some problems involve grammar. Others involve weak organization, vague language, unclear relationships between ideas, and ineffective transitions.
Your task is to rewrite each paragraph so it communicates a clear idea in a logical and readable way.
Your Task
For each paragraph:
- Rewrite the paragraph completely
- Correct grammar, sentence structure, and verb tense
- Clarify ideas that are vague or underdeveloped
- Improve flow by combining, cutting, or rearranging sentences
- Make the paragraph sound purposeful, not accidental
Paragraphs to Revise
Paragraph 1
The boy was running fast to the store yesterday and it was loud and crowded which made it hard for him, the speed was very quick and people were everywhere so it was stressful and he didn’t like it but he still went anyway because he had to.
Paragraph 2
Me and my friends was going to the mall after school and it was supposed to be fun but it didn’t happen and things changed which was annoying because we planned it already and people didn’t respond so it kind of fell apart and nobody knew what was happening.
Paragraph 3
The movie was good but also bad at the same time because some parts made sense and others didn’t and the acting was okay in some scenes but confusing in others which made it hard to decide if it was worth watching or not.
Expectations for Your Revision
Your revised paragraphs should:
- Express one clear main idea per paragraph
- Remove vague words such as things, stuff, very, and kind of
- Use varied sentence structure
- Show logical connections between ideas
- Read smoothly when read aloud
Do not simply fix spelling or punctuation. If the paragraph still sounds unclear or repetitive, it is not revised enough.
How to Respond
Rewrite all three paragraphs in the comments.
Each paragraph should be clear, organized, and intentional.
If your revision looks similar to the original, you did not revise deeply enough.
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2 Responses
Yesterday, the boy ran quickly to the store. It was loud and crowded, which made it hard for him. Everything was happening fast, and people were everywhere. It was stressful, and he didn’t like it. However, he still went because he had to.
My friends and I were going to the mall after school. It was supposed to be fun, but the outcome didn’t meet expectations. And things changed, which was irritating because we planned it, and people didn’t respond. So it fell apart. Nobody realized what was happening.
The movie was good and bad at the same time. Some parts made sense, and others didn’t. The acting was alright in some scenes but confusing in others, which made it hard to decide if it was worth watching or not.
The boy was running fast to the store yesterday, it was loud and crowded which made it hard for him, the speed was very quick and people were everywhere. It was so stressful and he didn’t like it but he still went anyway because he had to. My friends and I were going to the mall after school, it was supposed to be fun but it didn’t happen and things changed which was very annoying. We had already planned it and people didn’t respond so it kind of fell apart but nobody knew what was happening. The movie we watched was both good and bad at the same time, some parts made sense and others didn’t, the acting of the movie was okay in some scenes but confusing in others which made it hard to decide if it was worth watching or not.